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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

F. U. Penguin

F. U. Penguin is a blog by someone who got tired of all the hoopla around cute little animals. Now there is a place where those fuzzy animals get told off in a slew of insults and profanity. Here are some examples...

What are you, in the witness protection program? Or is that supposed to be ironic and you actually hate beards? Honestly, Tamarin, I think it's time to move on to a style that says something other than "I'm a really big fan of the TV show 'Kung Fu.'" And the tail, GOOD FUCKING GOD, MONKEY. There's no excuse for keeping yourself in such shoddy condition. ARE YOU A FUCKING CLEVELAND BROWNS FAN? I'm sure you've gotten away with a lot up to this point in your life because you are a monkey, and the more you look like an old man the more attention you get. But it's time to grow up, Tamarin. Take some responsibility for your actions.

You want a piece of me, Hyrax? I will fucking destroy you. Oh, your closest living relative is the elephant? An animal that is afraid of a mouse? Well guess what, pussy, I share a bunch of DNA with the chimpanzee. They don't even get mad, they store that shit in their heads and make a plan, Hyrax. And then they fucking play for keeps. Just like me, Hyrax. Just like me. So you think I'm afraid of your vampire teeth and poorly developed internal temperature regulation? No fucking way, Hyrax. So get a couple of your buddies, a makeshift knife, and some pillowcases and meet me in fifteen minutes. Because it's fucking on, Hyrax. Oghadisthatababyonyou? And another one? How come they look so creepy and yet so disgustingly cute? WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW. Oh, no. THEY ARE MULTIPLYING. You win this round, Hyrax. You can have my apple. Just don't let them bring western civilization to its knees.

What's with the stupid pose, Cat? I'm sure you think you are just headed for the Sears catalog now... or you are making fun of people who are headed for the Sears catalog. I'm going to be honest with you, Cat, you look like a total loser, so I really hope this isn't your laid-back-but-sophisticated look. On the other hand, if you're really trying to make an ironic statement about funny photo portraits in a turn-of-the-century trucker-hat kind of way, then a. I hate you and b. you really should have gone all way. So either way, fuck you, Cat. The hours of Photoshop I will get out of you cannot heal the part of my soul you have destroyed. But I will try, Cat. I. will. try.

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